Tuesday, October 1, 2013

I, Lord Leroy

Most humans know me as the laptop that belongs to Andrew; you however, may call me Lord Leroy.
I am not in the most pristine condition. My screen is a murky grey colour and has lip shaped sediment on its left. My body has a curious set of colour schemes that have morphed over time - schemes that change with the mood of my owner.

Today, I act as a representative of my kind; a kind whose technological position has been usurped by a pretentious little usurper: the smartphone.
I am told that they come with fancier and pansier technology nowadays : 8 cores, HD resolution, skinny profiles and Chimpanzee glass.  You can stamp them and throw them into large water bodies. They have Chinese women hidden inside their being; talkative creatures who try to answer questions that have not been asked.
My kind, on the other hand, seems to be stuck. We've been hovering on 2-4 four cores for some time, our resolutions haven't changed in a decade and the only interaction we have with women is when they press the 'Escape' key and hope for the mess they've created to vanish. Worse, Bill Gates wants to integrate us with our preposterous rivals and give us the fruity name 'Surface'.

Let Lord Leroy, therefore, remind you humans of how much we are in command of your lives.
We control the best and worst of you. I shall deal, specifically with the best of you : the geek, the doctor and the MBA. The worst of you, the financially free (see the one and only figure) will occupy another post.

Every day, millions of geeks around the world stare at us for most of their waking hours.  Most geeks are intelligent, they are aware of the fact that it's far more comfortable and far healthier to sit at a desktop. Yet, they brave twisted neck knots, stiff backs and numb fingers resulting from five plus hours spent crouched over one of us. Testimony to the fact that we control the geek, but convince him that he controls us.

Side note : Observe the back of Andrew's oversized head. You will notice a concave dent at the base of the skull. This is the result of browsing the web furiously or watching videos on yours truly while resting the skull on a headboard or sofa arm. 
While Andrew belongs to the above category, this concave head phenomenon is also spreading to the smaller headed, prone-to-facebook-photo-sharing population as well.

Consider that ubiquitous entity, the MBA student: especially the variety that India produces. These boys (and girls) would tear their ridiculous suit coats and spit foam at their group discussions if we decide to strike. Can you imagine an Indian MBA preparing a marketing presentation without the use of  Google? Naw. And don't dare bring up the possibility of the imposter devices serving in our stead ... Let them first learn to render a web page properly.

Doctors were always sitting ducks. They never could write with a pen.


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