The Waiter

It's been seven years since I wrote a piece. Seven Years! I have been slightly busy during this period. What has changed, you may ask (or not)? I'm married, I have a son, and I work in recruitment so - pretty much everything. 

Anyway, last year, David and I took a trip to Germany and Prague. The trip was primarily centred around beer, but we also saw the odd historical building. In this series, I will attempt to capture some of the more memorable incidents that took place during those fifteen days.

THE WAITER

It was an interesting morning in Munich. There was a slight drizzle but the sun was always around the corner and there were lots of excited people, one keener than the other to socialize. David and I spent a pleasant time at the walking tour: David choosing to engage largely in conversation with one Dmitri from Russia, I opting to learn the street beer locations for future use.  We learned a lot about the city however the highlight came after the walking tour had ended. 

After David made a hash of tipping the American tour guide, we chose to stop at a local restaurant near the Opera House to eat and drink away our embarrassment. It was a beautiful restaurant with both indoor and outdoor seating. We seated ourselves outdoors next to this amiable young Korean couple. The waiter in charge of us was proud Bavarian, at least fifty years of age, who was also in charge of the Korean couple and ten other tables. Bavarian restaurants do not believe in having large numbers of staff moping around and would prefer to have customers periodically squealing in different languages and occasionally punching the air in an attempt to attract waiters' attention.

Before we placed the order for a very reasonable ten euro per head daily special we asked our waiter for details around the item. He gesticulated, made his mouth like a fish, then wisely drove home his point by exclaiming 'It's a fish'. Schooled by my mother in the island suburb of Bandra, I of course asked him the all important superfluous seafood  question: 'Is it fresh?'

His face deepened to a lovely shade of burgundy before he drew himself up and passionately declared 'No. I give you an old fish'. 'Old fish' was also articulated with a fishy mouth so I obviously concluded that the man was passionate about the piscine. 

Confident that my order was in safe hands I told him to go ahead with it and proceeded to order a few more items and some beer. In the mean while, David was already chatting with the Koreans who were also in Munich for Oktoberfest. 

The meal was excellent all round. The fish was fresh and nicely frittered, the small sausages were delectable and the beer was Augustiner.

 In case you wondered why I started this story with the weather, now you will understand. You see, the mercurial Munich weather had, during the course of our meal, dropped 5 degrees Celsius. There were clouds gathering and the drizzle had become a bit heavier. It was now quite cool and our Korean pal, quite reasonably, produced his warm jacket and covered up. Our waiter caught sight of this from 3 tables away and unceremoniously ditched the table whose order he was in the middle of taking. 

Walking up to us, he heartily backslapped our friend causing him to wince in pain. The dialogue proceeded thus:

'This is cold for you? You find this cold?' said the waiter.

'Yes', said the poor Korean nodding vigorously, reeling from both the cold and the thrashing he had just received. 'Yes, it cold'

Taking a deep breath and puffing his chest out, our waiter proceeded to deliver his punchline 

'ARE YOU A CHINESE MAN OR A CHINESE WOMAN'

He then bundled both Koreans into the indoor part of the restaurant. Was this to keep them warm or to determine if the Korean guy was in fact a Chinese woman? Can't say, for sure. 

We laughed for the rest of the meal and almost the entire way home. At night I reflected: I've heard Donald Trump for three years now, four if you consider the campaign, and I'm yet to hear a statement wrong on as many levels as that one statement from the Bavarian waiter.